I like nonsense - it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope…and that enables you to laugh at all of life’s realities.”
| — | Dr Seuss |
Sometimes, I feel like life is mocking me...like God (or whoever is up there) is Drew Carey on "Who's Line is it anyways?" and I am an underpaid actor forced to laugh through whatever he/she throws at me and play along.
I am usually pretty fantastic at traveling, I know how to pack (by outfit, rolling my clothes of course), my luggage is never over the weight limit, I never have the wrong stuff in my carry on...lets just say I usually go into the "experienced traveller" line in security. I pre choose my seats according to flight times, type of plane and layovers, pre order a special meal (this time it was vegan gluten free), and pre pick a travel chic layered outfit with minimal metal jewelry. But lets face it...even with optimal preparation a little improv is always needed....
I am usually pretty fantastic at traveling, I know how to pack (by outfit, rolling my clothes of course), my luggage is never over the weight limit, I never have the wrong stuff in my carry on...lets just say I usually go into the "experienced traveller" line in security. I pre choose my seats according to flight times, type of plane and layovers, pre order a special meal (this time it was vegan gluten free), and pre pick a travel chic layered outfit with minimal metal jewelry. But lets face it...even with optimal preparation a little improv is always needed....
...and naturally I always leave a few things for the last minute...just to keep things interesting...
Morning of my flight I realize my apartments key flaw...its Achilles heal if you will....the bathroom (disconnected by a slidingesq door)....lacking insulation is the exact temperature of the outside...this morning being 42 degrees. All morning beautification plans had now been cancelled so I made my last soy chai latte for the next two weeks and remembered Europe's love for OB tampons....ran to Ralph's and filled the top of my suitcase with Super Tampax Pearl Tampons...(this fact will be crucial to the climax of this story)
I head to PMTS (Paul Mitchell the School Sherman Oaks), where I work 3 days a week as night schools Phase Two and Take Home Learning Leader, to pick up my pay check...at 10am...mind you my flight is boarding at 12:20pm at lax...(mhmm)luckily I make to the bank and then to LAX by 10:50 (when in a hurry, get someone of Greek decent to drive you...ps thanks Errol!)
I will not divide the remainder of my story into city's/airports...
Los Angeles, California, LAX, Terminal 2 Air Canada:
Flight delayed by 1 hour, felt up my TSA, Cancer causing full body scan
Really I lack any other commentary on this....as did Air Canada whose response was "it is just running late"...
quelle que soit.
I opt for ten dollar tiny cup of tomato soup in a stale bread bowl at la brea bakery.
That my friends is when it happened....The Jesus Camp escapee asked my if they could take the seat near me.
Sure I said, why not...she looked fairly normal...possibly from the Midwest...pretty sure she was wearing a
scrunchie. We share a few moments of small talk in which she devulges way too much information:
Jesus Camp: Where are you headed?
Yours Truly: technically Toronto, then Heathrow, then Italy...visiting family...you? going home for Thanksgiving?
Jesus Camp: Kind of...actually I have health issues, but its okay whatever is meant will happen.
Yours Truly: ::smiles and nods:: (thinking: you could have just said yes, Thanksgiving)
Jesus Camp: Anyways, what do you do...you are dressed really interestingly.
Yours Truly: ::debating if this is a compliment or a jab:: I am a hairstylist, you?
Jesus Camp: I am studying Theology and Psychology at a private school, 8 people per class, it is very small we all have to dress very professionally and Conservative, you know like to be ready for the real world, I want to be a teacher but I wouldn't mind being a stay at home mom, do you want kids?
Yours truly: Definitely, but not really looking to be a stay at home mom, you can always just take a few years off teaching when your kids are little and then go back to in during the hours they are at school...its a great job to have if you want kids...
Jesus Camp: ::looking confused:: I think I rather home school my kids...
At this point I notice the promise ring and abstinence bracelet, next to a wwjd one of course. Thrilled to be called for boarding I leave her behind and wish her well, unfortunately...she decided to switch seats to sit next to me on the flight. I watched the last season of true blood the entire 4.5 hours so every time she had the thought to look over she shot back to her own monitor.
Toronto, Canada
Let me tell you, Toronto has the most attractive airport security out of any airport I have been to, bravo Toronto, bravo. They also have free wifi, awesome art installations and a Bacardi rum bar right in front my gate. Toronto...you win first place.
Toronto - Heathrow
as per requested I had my window seat, when I plan on sleeping I always ask for a window seat so i can lean on it and yogi myself in a pretzel using the 3 "walls" around me as a bracing. The Muslim man next to me did noteven look at me, instead he prayed for 6 hrs. I watched "Eat, Pray, Love" and "Going the Distance" and ate my Vegan, Gluten Free meal...which consisted of Channa Masala, Quinoa Veggie Rice Coconut Water and a Brownie. I slept for about 2.5 hours and woke up in London...and it begins....
London, England - Heathrow
You know those moments when your intuition kicks in telling you something isnt right...this was one of those times...as a stretched I watched the bags role out...odly...not a site of my borrowed blue American tourister with art deco scarf tied onto the handle...hmm well maybe itll be the last one...wrong. As the green light turns to red and the carousel closes...I panic. My shoes! My Sheers! I scoot on over to the lost baggage desk and give my name and baggage ticket i am asked to wait in an office....MERDE! pardon my french, but that is never a good sign. The nice English man brings my a fizzy water and cadbury chocolate...its like he knew without these things I would freak out, he tells me not to worry, they are locating my things and bringing them to me, it seems there was a problem with my suitcase and he hands me a black and white image of my suitcase split in half....busted open, gutted, if you will.
I have no words, instead I begin to laugh hysterically. I ask if I can use a computer as I am supposed to meet friends in central London during my layover....he directs me to a metal key board and puts a few lbs of credit in for me. So I facebook and I wait, and I wait, and I wait. He then asks me to make a list of any and all valuables I remember packing (this at 1:30pm...I landed at 11:30). I make a list and in exchange I am given an empty blackSamsonite suit case and a soy latte (this English man has clearly delt with an la woman before). at about 2:15 I am given a giant CLEAR plastic bag sealed with air Canada tape and told to make sure everything is there and re-pack...mean while all 5 British men are able to see all my undies, bras and 24 SUPER TAMPONS...the universe cries that I have no shame...instead I mock that I am unaware if all my undies are still here but that I only count 23 tampons and that's a problem. They laugh, I leave Heathrow at 3pm....having to make it toGatwick by for my 5:20pm boarding time to Milan Malpensa.
I sit next to my future ex husband on the shuttle (glorified bus), a Spanish man name Iberto...with a delectable lisp...we drive through Surrey (where Kate Winslets character in "The Holiday" was from) and then 90 min of aspitalian conversation later finally make it to Gatwick, We exchange emails and part ways (luckily his English is deplorable, and is not really the brightest lapiz de cera in the caja) otherwise I would be nervous that he would read this.
Gatwick, London
FYI....easy jet may be cheap...but you get what you pay for....and in this case what you pay for is attitude...if your check in luggage is even .5 kilos over their 20 kilo limit (most airlines have a 24 kilo limit) you must repack...but mind you the only allow one carryone....aka not purse and laptop or purse and carryon...you have to combine them....(yup) We board the plane from the tarmac in the freezing cold and I am finally surrounded by my people, the Italians...and boy do they fit every stereo type. We have the sarcastic Milanese man telling us all to say our prayers, his wife hitting him telling him not to curse the flight. The young couple sucking face (no better description), the old couple watching disaprovingly in misguided jealousy, and lastly the group of men who assume because of my blond locks I do not know the disgusting things they are saying about me....and when the moment is just right....
Italian 1: guarda la bionda, well'a che culo
Italian 2: pensi che ci capisce?
Italian 1: ma no, dai ci sediamo vicino a lei sul aero
::on the plane::
flight attendant: sir can you please place your bags under the chair in front of you during take off
Italian 1: ::doesnt understand a word that was just said::
Italian 2: ::looks at Italian 1 confused::
Me: vuole che metti le borse sotto la sedia difronte di te durante il decollo
Italian 1 and 2: ::look of disbelief::
Milan-Genova
11:30 pm I arrive at my mothers home this would be 3:30 in the afternoon in l.a. on Thanksgiving aka I was intransit in 4 different countries, for somewhere between 24 and 29.5 hours depending on perspective.
and now? I am sitting in the kitchen, blogging at 8:51 am Italy time...debating what to eat next and what to wear today...it isn't easy when its 5* cel out.
What to expect these coming weeks: shorter posts. fashion, shopping, exploring, eating, photos, travel tips, and pictures of shoots from the last few months that I finally had time to organize.
Ciao <3
Currently listening to:
"How can you say that your truth is better than art?"
No comments:
Post a Comment